Copyright 2011 Larry Johnson
An Adventure of the Ridiculous
(or a Ridiculous Adventure)
He’s a Hero!
Willy was taking a stroll the other day around the precincts of his new workplace – during his lunch break of course. He passed by an arcade where posters advertising the spraying of customers with carrot oil (for tanning) and remedies for the cure of halitosis were predominant on the streetscape. The air was redolent with the fragrance of spices from a take away shop (samosas he deduced) along with the scent of formaldehyde emanating from the nail care boutique situated close by. It’s would not be difficult to comprehend how these two aromas combined to create an atmosphere that one wished to pass through in haste. Willy indeed did this and continued his way along the street. It was then his misfortune to cross paths with a quite neanderthal like male character speaking to a young lady in language more at home on a Saturday afternoon at the local hotel.
‘Excuse me young man; what is the meaning of this unholy outburst with this young woman. Unseemly my dear fellow! Quite unseemly!’
‘Hey Bro’, mind your business or I’ll break your neck’, said the young man. (We have omitted the horrid adjectives that accompanied the aforementioned statement).
‘There’s no cause to be so aggressive young sir. I only attempt to relieve the situation you have created. Can’t you see the distress you are causing?’
‘This is not your concern Bro’. Take off or else’. (This statement also significantly sanitised).
‘Indeed sir? I demand that you cease and desist’, said Willy.
‘Why you rotten….«#*!¯²#*!… ‘
At this point the younger man grabbed Willy by the throat, spinning him around and pinning him to the display counter of a take away shop. Once again, quite strangely and perhaps inconveniently, Willy was taken by the smell of samosas! It seems they’re becoming very popular!
Willy fought strongly though – do not be mistaken in supposing Willy was feeble. Breaking the counter glass with his elbow he reached back to get his hands on something – anything – whatever he could use as a weapon. He laid his hands on an item that was hot, and grasping the object as best he could steadied himself to strike his opponent. But would you believe it – a samosa! Whatever; it’ll have to do. Willy smashed the samosa into his adversary’s eye causing him to reel backward.
At this point the proprietor of the take-away had become quite irritated at the fracas; not to mention the damage to his counter. Emerging from the shop he brandished what looked like a rifle. Simultaneously, police officers came rushing down the street with rifles of their own; witnesses to the bru-ha-ha had obviously had the presence of mind to raise the alert. Suddenly the shop owner began to fire – and what? A massive explosion of smoked paprika was discharged from the rifle filling the air in a burgundy red. The police officers then reacted with relentless firepower of their own – and what? Multiple explosions of chilli literally sending all in the firing line to the ground. It was chaotic! Horrifying! People gasping for breath! The air a blanket of red, and nasal membranes burning due to the exposure! And then suddenly………an alarm.
‘Oh curses’, said Willy. ‘It’s time to get up. What a restless night’s sleep that was’.
Hero or Blitherer?
Chugga-ta-tugga-ta, chugga-ta-tugga-ta, chugga-ta-tugga-ta, chugga-ta-tugga-ta, onward ploughed the train at less than breakneck speed it must be said. Willy gazed out the window admiring the verdure of the countryside; hills undulating for miles, broken only in their relentless march by lush agricultural plains. Willy pondered as to what produce this rural area brought forth.
Suddenly, on one of those distant hills Willy observed some objects moving down the slope. Presently he was unable to determine their nature; they being sufficiently far away as to appear like ants. Willy took note but thought not too much of it at that moment. Just as he began to settle back in his seat however, the train began to decelerate markedly, coming to an abrupt halt in what seemed the middle of nowhere. This was undoubtedly an inconvenience but he knew his stoic nature would cope with the adversity! Sometime had elapsed and there was still no movement of the train, when Willy noticed that the small objects he saw previously were coming closer and now approaching rapidly. He attempted to distinguish what on earth they were – and…..? Camels? Camels with riders? Riders that seemed to be Police Officers? Mounted Police on camels? Surely not? But as they got closer there they were – mounted police on camels! Equally disturbing was the fact that as they strode up to the train window, one of the officers seemed to make a particular effort to eyeball Willy; more disturbing that the camel was eyeballing him as well! Most unusual thought Willy, what can this be about?
Assuming that the matter had indeed nothing to do with him, Willy closed his eyes and attempted to pass the time with a kip, but no sooner had he begun to doze than an unholy ruckus presented itself at the entrance to his carriage. Men with raised voices, using quite severe language – quite rude in fact, bustled their way through, then examining a piece of paper carried by each occupant of the carriage. Then one of the police officers, looking towards Willy, nodded to the other and commenced a march down the aisle. They stopped right beside Willy and showed him a photograph.
‘Is this you sir?’
‘Not my best photo but yes’, said Willy
‘Sir, we are here to question you regarding a certain fracas that occurred outside a take-away store last week.’
Willy began to feel ill.
‘You must come with us sir. ‘
‘But! …………Why?’
‘You have been charged with vandalizing a take-away counter, assault with a samosa, and leaving the scene of an incident without making a statement.’
‘But all the confusion! The paprika and chilli! The need to defend myself! Wait a minute – this was all a dream! It never happened……I woke up…….the alarm…….I got up…..had a shower……went to work. Who are you people? What is this?’
‘We are the dream police sir.’
‘The dream police?’ said Willy.
‘We reside in your head sir. ‘
‘The dream police?’ again inquired Willy.
At once Willy was forcibly removed from his seat, handcuffed behind his back, shoved down the aisle and out of the carriage, and thrown on to the front of a two-humped camel. The camel was then spurred into a gallop by the constable who had clambered on behind, and off into the horizon did Willy ride.
‘Sir….Sir, are you all right?’ said the station attendant. ‘You’ve been lying on this station seat for hours while trains have been continually stopping and passing you by. The next one’s not due now until tomorrow.’
‘What? But it all seemed so real.’
‘What did sir?’
‘Never mind; I feel ill – very, very ill.’
From there the normally mild mannered and composed Willy wandered off into the distance. He walked and walked for miles, shaking his head and pondered what was becoming of him. Uphill and down dale he hiked, until exhausted by his journey he came upon a homestead at the top of a peak. Knocking on the door he was responded to by the owner.
‘What can I do for you my man?’
Willy replied, ‘Sir I’ve been walking for miles and I’m in search of transport to get me home. You wouldn’t know where I could find some transport would you? I have cash and am willing to pay.’
‘Nothing around here for miles I’m afraid; although if you have money and are willing to travel by beast I may be able to help. Come with me.’
‘Anything’ said a despairing Willy.
Willy followed the owner through the house and out to the back.
‘Down at the base of the hill sir is some fine animal transport.’
‘Where?’ said Willy.
‘Those camels down there sir; fine specimens. In fact they were only used recently to assist in the capture of a suspected…………!
End of First Part
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